What To Do After A Fight - What You Shouldn't Do After...For Dummies
Simply ask your partner, "Are you ready to talk or do you need more time?
"suggests Tcharkhoutian. No one's cooling-off time is the same across the board, and being able to revisit the conversation without any pressure from each other is key. "A good relationship is one between two forgivers," she also adds.
You want to avoid blaming them, but also take responsibility for your own feelings, de Lune explains. Using "I-statements" also helps zoom in on your feelings as the speaker about any behaviors or conflict without focusing on the listener's behavior, explains Aaliyah Nurideen, MSW, LSW.
It's more about understanding them in that moment, which will eventually bring a resolution, rather than jumping to a resolution, adds de Lune.
This content is imported from embed-name. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site. After a fight, you need to de-escalate things and calm down together, which is done most easily when you introduce moments of relief into your arguments, says Gabrielle Usatynski, MA, LPC.
"This could mean using humor, warmth, or appreciation even when fighting," adds Usatynski. You could say something like, "God, I'm so pissed off right now, but you also look so hot today that it's frustrating!"
At some point, you'll need to wave the flag of friendliness during your fights to avoid it going further, says Usatynski.
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About six months into a serious relationship with my boyfriend, we started experiencing major conflict. Fighting over small things, flipping out over misunderstandings, we just couldn’t seem to get on the same page about anything. This caused me to think about relationship conflict in general, what causes it, and how to deal with it.
Each person comes into a relationship with certain expectations. These are based on past experiences, childhood, or how you think things should be. The problem is that no two people think the same, no matter how much you have in common. A lot of couples see conflict as a time to bail—either because they were already looking for a way out or because they freak out and feel threatened.
Sometimes it may be hard to get resolution on a conflict, making matters worse. This requires understanding that conflict will inevitably occur in a close relationship. The only way of getting around it is to not share your opinion at all, which is not healthy. So what if we focused on sharing our opinions in a way that is productive? To do this: Instead of making every little molehill a mountain, agree to not make something a battle unless it’s truly important.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you bow to someone else’s demands when it’s something you feel strongly about, but take the time to question the level of importance of the matter at hand. If you find yourself in the midst of a conflict, try to remember that the other person is coming into the situation with a totally different background and set of experiences than yourself.
Granted, it’s hard to remember this in the heat of the moment. But stopping to take a few deep breaths, and deciding to take a break and revisit the discussion when tensions are not as high, can sometimes be the best way to deal with the immediate situation. This is not to say you should have low expectations but it is to say that you should keep in mind you may have different expectations.
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It’s hard to feel threatened by someone when you see yourselves as interconnected and working toward the same result. Personal attacks can be far more damaging and long-lasting. Talk about what behavior upset you instead of what is “wrong” with someone’s personality. Most of the time, your partner is not deliberately trying to hurt you, and getting hurt happened to be a byproduct of that action.
Remember that it’s better to be happy than being right! Once you have shared your feelings as to what a person’s actions meant to you, accept their responses. If they tell you the intended meaning of their action was not as you received it, take that as face value. Once you’ve both had the opportunity to share your side, mutually agree to let it go.
If it doesn’t, you may choose to revisit it later. When making this decision, ask yourself how important it is to you. If you make the decision to leave it in the past, do your best to do that, rather than bringing it up again in future conflicts. Conflict can be distressing.
Stacey Hagen is a coach and consultant who helps entrepreneurial women discover and develop lives and businesses they love. She is an avid traveler, adventurer, and life-long learner whose mission is to inspire and empower other women to live their lives full out.
You can visit her at createcoachingconsulting.
Every couple has arguments. It’s completely normal, and if done with healthy habits, it’s actually beneficial to relationships. However, one of the most common reasons arguments lead to a relationship deteriorating is the fact that we turn them into “them vs me” situations where there’s a winner and a loser.
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